Monday, September 13, 2010

So today I went shopping... and had a Pretty Woman moment.

So I bought La a fabulous, gorgeous shirt at our local Vinnies. Got it home, proudly showed him my five buck bargain only to notice why it was so damn cheap.... the ever so slightly frayed collar. BLOODY BUGGERY BUM!  So today I nicked off down to Sydney's best outlet mall-y thingo.

It's always dangerous to go shopping without a list. Food shopping without a list usually means I come home with a jar of anchovies, packets of shredded parmesan, lots of noodles and no toilet paper or toothpaste. I'm never focused on hygiene when I'm hungry. But I digress.

I turned up to the ever delightful Birkenhead Point with dreams of buying something expensive to make La's  cheap shirt fabulous and not cheap.... so I headed straight for Spotlight. It's a cheap and cheerful manchester-y kind of store... chaotic and hopeless, but always good at separating the list-less and gormless from their hard-earned.

So I leave with a handbag full of "stuff"... they now charge for bags, I read somewhere. And I usually try to not buy bags if I can avoid it. I also made the mistake of buying three big cushions for our lounges. Oops. Thank dawg the lovely checkout chick decided to have mercy for my clueless self and gave me the plastic equivalent of a Santa sack on steroids.

So I chuck the monster bag of cushions over Pickle's stroller, shove the curtain rod (of course I bought a curtain rod. How could I not?) in the bottom, threading it through the handbag in some fabulous Houdini knot.... and push off to look at other fabulous things that are not on the list I didn't write.

I enter a number of stores and set off their beepers.... and as I leave, I set off their beepers. Not one person asked me about it or stopped me or looked at me askance. ..... till.... THE UNITED COLORS OF BENETTON. Arseholes.

I walked in... noticing that they sell kid's clothes. I'm no supermodel but I do like my sprogs to be well groomed and impeccably dressed. Or rather, I never had a Barbie so I play dress ups with my real, live, human dolls.

Anyhoo....I walk in and set of their beeper thingo at the front door. The wench behind the counter tells me I've  got a tag on something and that I have set off her beeper. (Derr, you silly cow. I've ears, I heard it) so I say, "Yes, I know. Ï've been doing it in every shop as I enter and as I leave."

So I walk pretty much straight to the kids clothes, looking at things as I go past them and leave the Pickle within sight of the Benetton Bitch (in her stroller) as I walked behind a partition. So Benetton Bitch decides to come and fold clothes right near me. I keep looking at clothes and ignore her. She doesn't talk. Not sure that your average mouth-breathing clothes-folding shop person can fold clothes and talk at the same time...

So I'm looking, looking, looking... and another person comes in to the store. Benetton Bitch goes to see her and tell her all about the sales and what's on sale and what's not. WHAT THE FARK!???? She never mentioned any of that to me. That customer leaves so Benetton Bitch decides to come back and watch me.

I pick up a pair of tights... which are actually leggings, trying to decide how many pairs to get and if they're going to be too thick for Sydney's ever increasing temperatures.... and she starts eyeballing me and asks me what I want. I say, "I don't exactly know, I'm deciding how many I need"

She says, "If. you. would. just. tell. me. what. you. want. I. will. get. it. for. you." Like. a. stroppy. robot.
I say, "I. don't. know."
She says, "The. size. is written. on. the. front. If. you. would. just. tell. me. what. you.. want. I. would. get. it. for. you."

So I"m all like...."Look bitch, I'm not stealing your stuff. I'm picking it up and thinking and I'm about to buy four pairs IF I CAN GET FIVE FUCKING SECONDS ALONE IN MY HEAD!"

But she obviously had her hearing aids off because she thought she heard me say,"Oh thanks anyway, bye."

Deaf cow.

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